Small Gifts - Big Love

Tonight I am writing from a new location and what will be my home away from home for the next four months.  I made it safely to Rapid City, SD today after a long morning of travel with three very heavy bags.  I woke up this morning at a little after 4am ET to shower and head to the airport.  I slept terrible last night, anxious about how heavy my checked bag would end up being, and knowing that it was $100 extra if it was over 50lbs.  Once to the airport I was so relieved to find out that my bag was 48lbs and I was safe.  So I headed to my first gate with the remaining two heavy bags.  One thing that was confirmed for me today is that it is much much more fun to travel with Jonathan.  Not only am I at ease with him, but it is so much fun to people watch with him.  He makes those long layovers so much fun!!  I tried to make the most of the “free time” by working on school reading because my next few days will be full of activity and not much time to work on it.  I arrived to SD at 1:20pm MT and was welcomed by two of the BEST parents in the whole world!!  And can I just say that nothing is like the hug of a parent!

After being home just a short while, I got to have my daily dose of Jonathan.  Although short, it was sweet.  It was the middle of his night and I could tell he was exhausted.  It was just nice to touch base with him and love on him a little.  It is weird being in SD without him.  I had that feeling again today that I am missing an appendage.  I miss him terribly!! 

The day continued and I relished in the fact that I was as home as I could be for the time being.  I am grateful to get to make myself comfortable here for the next four months.  And although I will be here a while, the first item on the to do list was a hair cut from my favorite hair stylist!  I needed a hair cut badly and I decided to go all out! She chopped of my hair!!  I haven’t had it this short for about 3 or 4 years.  It will take some getting used to, but it feels fresh for the summer.  It is a spiking and spunky little hair do…I think I will like it…time will tell if Jonathan does.

And there we have it…one more day down and one more day closer to being in my honey’s arms again. 

One week down!!   And right now I am trying to focus on what is behind and not what is ahead.  One day at a time….One day at a time.  But one week down feels good, but the adjustment is still in progress.  This last week I have been in Virginia Beach and have made myself at home at my in-laws home.  I am so grateful to have a place to stay with family!  Community is everything!  A new adjustment comes tomorrow when I head to Rapid City, SD my home town to spend 4 months with my parents.  I am ready to head back to SD for several reasons. 

1. I haven’t been back since Christmas.
2. I cannot wait to see the Black Hills and go hiking.
3. My parents are wonderful and such a great support to me.
4. There are lots of family events I get to attend because I will be back in SD.
5. I will be there for 4 months so I can start a routine and get into the everyday of life.
6. Hopefully time will go by quick because I will be busy.

So tomorrow morning I head out bright and early and I will get there by early afternoon.  Just in time to talk to my honey at 3pm.  (Thanks honey, for being flexible to give me my daily dose of Jonathan).  

I had a tough day today.  Mainly because I find myself trying to manage and change my expectations about this deployment.  The reality is, that my time getting to talk with Jonathan is limited compared to our last deployment.  He has a roommate with the same schedule he does, which means privacy is at a minimum.  Jonathan is busy busy busy with his job. Which is honestly a mixed blessing.  I am happy that he is busy so his time goes fast…I just wish he had more time to be busy talking to me :). And because the time difference is 9 hours from Rapid City.  It means we will be talking in the middle of the day.  This isn’t bad for me.  If I were the only one I cared about, I would make time, and make sure I was always free at the time he could talk.  But the reality is, is that other people are affected by it.  I hate having other people shape their schedule around my schedule which can honestly be all over the place and dependent on Jonathan’s free time.  When it comes down to it, my marriage means more to me.  Therefore I will do what I can to talk to him everyday.  But at the same time, Jonathan told me that if I can go out and have fun, I should go out and have fun.  I know there is a happy medium…I’m just not sure what that is yet.  I keep having to tell myself day by day…day by day.

On another note…I was reading in Mark today.  I told Jonathan I didn’t know where to start when I picked up my Bible and he said to start with a gospel because you can see what a good man Jesus was and what a good God he still is.  I took his advice and started in Mark.  Today I was reading about how Jesus always had a crowd around him.  People flocked to him to learn from him and have him heal them.  They went to great extents to get close to him…to the point of cutting a hole in the ceiling and being lowered in to him.  It make me think about how I need to flock to Jesus.  I need to come to His Word and learn from Him.  I’m trying to make that part of my routine…I’m doing good so far.

I am exhausted!! I have been fighting taking a nap all day.  I slept terrible last night.  I tossed and turned and cried and tossed and turned some more.  For some reason it hit me hard last night that Jonathan isn’t with me.  I had gotten so used to falling asleep in his arms and having that feeling of safety and peace each night.  I didn’t feel that peace last night.  I miss him.  Just his presence.  The way he calms me when my mind is too busy.  If he would have been there he would have figured out a way to clear my mind and given me peace again.  I miss that.  When the morning came I spent the morning in the Word and doing homework.  I finished up this week’s school assignments and felt really good about it.

I got to talk to Jonathan again today.  It felt to good!  He makes me smile so big and makes me feel like the luckiest woman in the world! I just love being in his presence.  It was refreshing today.  He is getting more and more comfortable in his surroundings and finally getting his body used to that timezone.  He is such a trooper.  I am so dang proud of him!

As of right now I am anxious to go to bed…I hope I can fall asleep without thinking much about it.  My time here in Virginia is down to days.  It has become a home to me, and I am thankful for my in-laws and their hospitality.  I have always known that community means the world to me…That has been confirmed these last days.  I can not imagine experiencing this without community support.  God is good.  He truly has blessed me.

I was bound and determined to be productive today.  To be honest, I didn’t have a choice.  I slacked off all weekend and that school work has to get done sometime…So today had to be that day.  I woke up bright and early…at 8:30, sent a morning (mid-afternoon for him) email to my honey, got ready for the productive day and spent some time in the in the Word and prayer.  After a cup of coffee I got to work on school and worked diligently until Jonathan called.  We talked for about an hour and 45 minutes.  It was WONDERFUL!! I saw his smiling face that automatically brought a smile to mine.  I adore that man!!  We were able to really catch up on life today.  How his job is going.  How I have been.  It felt so good! I am so thankful to be married to a husband who loves me so well!!

I did really well not crying today too!  I teared up a little when I talked to him, but it was nothing he could not stop by making me giggle.  And when we hung up, I didn’t cry.  I was proud of myself.  I swear Jonathan makes me more motivated.  Just having communicated with him gave me the motivation I needed to finish strong today.  To reward a productive day my brother-in-law, Bill, and my mother-in-law, Renee and I went out to eat.  When we got home, we stuck in the movie Fireproof.  I hadn’t seen it yet and thought it would be a great thing to watch as I work through the Love Dare.  The acting left plenty to be desired, but the concept was very sweet.  After watching it I appreciate Jonathan all the more.  He really does love me so well!  I am blessed!

I saw his face and heard his voice first thing this morning and my day was made!! We didn’t get to talk very long, but for the time we did get it was sooo good!! Seeing his smile was wonderful!  When he had to hang up to continue with his day my tears came.  I didn’t want to say goodbye that soon.  I didn’t want to go another long time without talk to him.  I could have talked with him forever.  I had so much more I wanted to tell him.  I am used to sharing everything with him, and these last four days I haven’t been able to.  I didn’t want to say goodbye.  But we did, and he assures me we will talk sometime tomorrow.  When we hung up, I cried and laid in bed a while longer thinking about how I had just disappointed myself because of my reaction to him needing to hang up.  It was impatient.  It was selfish.  It was not encouraging.  I realized that God still has a work He needs to do with me.

Oh Sundays.  Today was the first of many that I will go to church without Jonathan. It is just weird going alone.  I took my first trip driving over to the Peninsula to go to our home church.  I am proud to say that I got there and back with no issues!  I am also glad to say that I made it though the service without crying.  I was honestly surprised about that.  I sat next to a good friend and future military wife who has been a constant source of support and encouragement to me.  I was thankful to not have to sit alone.  Lacey Grey, you are a gem! :) The sermon was really good and stressed that point to worship the God that fights for us.  In Christ we are free! Therefore we bear witness to Christ’s glory and for that we praise! What a great reminder! After church it was lunch with friends, a final check of the shed and the car and I headed back home.

The afternoon was lazy.  I got back into my pjs and fell asleep for an hour or two.  When I woke up there was a short email waiting for me from Jonathan before he headed to bed for the night.  It made me smile.  I love that man!!  Then I decided I would spend some time journalling and reading the daily chapter in the Love Dare.  I am glad I did!  Today was “Love is not Selfish”  Oh man.  It was convicting and just what I needed to hear today.  Like what I mentioned earlier, I am selfish when I expect Jonathan to bend over backwards to satisfy my needs when he is the one away from home, busy and tired.  I need to be thinking of Jonathan before myself.  Right now the best way for me to do this is by not having expectations on his time.  I need to understand that he is busy, and that he needs relaxing time.  Looking out for his needs and striving to serve him and love him better instead of me being selfish creates joy and destroys my self pity.  I’m praying that God helps me with this.  I feel like I have so much more to learn about how to be a good wife despite the physical distance between Jonathan and I.   

With all this stuff going through my mind, I was thankful to have my mother-in-law around to debrief and learn from her and her experience.  Her Godly perspective has really helped these last few days since Jonathan has left. 

Weekends are better when Jonathan is with me.  To be honest, today may as well have been a normal week day.  Once again I tossed and turned last night hoping that maybe Jonathan would contact me.  When I woke up in the morning, an email was waiting for me.  I was thankful!  It was just a short message telling me about what was going on.  He hasn’t gotten much sleep and has been working so hard.  He wasn’t able to talk today because he was being trained all day and had to escort people to the USO Kellie Pickler concert. The message said that he wouldn’t be able to talk until tomorrow, so I tried to wrap my head around that and go on with my day, even though I was disappointed and just wanted to hear his voice and see his face again.

The first item of the day was a pedicure with my mother-in-law.  Now I’m sporting bright pink toenails!  When we came home I spent some time in the Word and journaling.  I am beginning to depend on that time to get a new perspective for the day.  The rest of the day was shot.  I had no motivation for school work.  I tried to take a nap and couldn’t get to sleep.  The evening got much better when Jonathan skyped me!!  We only got to talk for about 20 minutes via typing chat because he was in a public area.  I was so so so relieved to see his face and hear how he was doing.  Poor guy hasn’t gotten much sleep, but he has the day off tomorrow and plans to sleep most of it to recover from the jetleg.  He said he would call when he wakes up, which will be the middle of the night for me.  I couldn’t be more excited to talk to him again! I don’t care if I lack sleep!

Sleep was not good last night.  I kept my computer on and my phone near me the whole night and woke up too often to check to see if he had contacted me or if I had missed a call.  I tossed and turned and could not get comfortable.  When I woke up for the final time at 8:15 I started an email to him, just to get my day started.  As I began writing, an email from him popped up in my inbox.  My heart jumped with excitement!!  My honey made it to Kuwait!!  He wrote that he was exhausted but trying to stay awake a get up to speed on the things he will be doing while he is there.  He said that he has a room, the bin we mailed is there and that we won’t get to talk for another 24 to 30 hours because sleep is a priority, and I understand that!  So the day began with a word from Jonathan and I decided that today I would be productive!!

And productive I was!  I decided to start out with my quiet time.  Today I began The Love Dare with a companion guide for deployments.  I’m not doing it because our marriage is in trouble, let me assure you that that is definitely not the case!!  I started it because I love my husband and it is a good way to continue to connect with him and learn how to better love him.  Today was “Day 1: Love is Patient.”  And the scripture that resonated with me today was:

So, as those who have been chosen of God, holy and beloved, put on a heart of compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience; bearing with one another and forgiving each other, whoever has a complaint against anyone, just as the Lord forgave you, so also should you.  Beyond all these things put on love which is the perfect bond of unity. - Colossians 3:12-14

I figure if I can keep this verse in mind throughout this deployment I will be a better wife and we will have an even better marriage.  I am learning these days that patience is the key.  To be frustrated with Jonathan because of the lack of contact, I miss the joy that comes with being grateful for the contact that I do get.  If my letters, conversations, and contact with Jonathan are filled with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience I can continue to be a peaceful place of rest for him.  This is what I desire.  I want to continue to be his peaceful home and place of relaxation.  So when he talks to me, he doesn’t get an earful of complaints but rather love expressed in the purest way possible.  This is my desire, I pray for the ability and strength to do it.

The rest of the day was filled with homework, a nap, and a relaxing evening.  And a remembrance of three years ago today when Jonathan called me and asked me on a date.  My mind and heart are aflutter with the wonderful memories of those first weeks together.  Sometimes I feel like it was just yesterday when I first realized my love for him,  but in actuality my love for him is three years stronger and deeper.  I am so grateful to be Jonathan Sireci’s wife!  And I so look forward to so many more years of falling in love with him!

The first night in the bed alone is over.  Glad to have that behind me, but still dreading going to bed tonight.  I slept surprisingly well, but woke up several times to check my phone just in case Jonathan had contacted me.  I woke up at 8:40 and saw that Jonathan had email me and was on facebook.   He had signed off just 10 minutes before.  Needless to say I was soooo disappointed.  I had a hard time not beating myself up.  He was in Germany at that time and I was anxious to hear from him again.  I changed all my settings on my phone so I would get notification if he tried to contact me again.  I think I am prepared now.

With that to start out the day, I felt frazzled and anxious.  I wanted to keep my phone and computer close to me just in case.  But I had to be productive. Which never really happened.  After running some errands, my mind was just not into doing school work.  I struggled for quite a bit, and took a nap.  And even now I sit here with a pile of articles to read and no motivation.  I call it the lost puppy syndrome.  I’m hoping that the focus and motivation will come back with time, but until then I will struggle to get things done that have to get done.  And maybe tomorrow morning I will wake up with some drive.

One of the errands I ran today was to the UPS store to mail Jonathan’s first care package and my bin that is headed to Rapid City.  The shipping was cheaper than I thought it would be, which made my day!  That is until….  

Jonathan contacted me at 4pm from Qatar!  We used an awesome texting app called “Whatsapp.”  It uses wifi to text! We got to chat for about 15 minutes and the feeling of relief that I felt was unbelievable!  He seems to be doing well.  He hasn’t slept much, but is ready to get to Kuwait to get settled.  Oh I love him so!  Just getting to talk to him calmed my anxiety and gave me a renewed sense of “I can do this.”  Now I wait to hear from him from Kuwait, hopefully within the next 12 to 24 hours.

(This is a long one, just to warn you)  Well the day is almost over.  The day the countdown began.  The day my honey headed to Kuwait.  The day I became a temporary single again.  The day I have been dreading for months.  The day another part of the Sireci journey commences.  The day I learn again just how weak I am and how strong my God is. 

Last night was hard.  I buried my head into Jonathan chest and just sobbed.  Telling him how much I love being his wife.  Telling him how I love taking care of him and making sure he is comfortable.  I love cleaning the house just to see peace in his eyes.  I love spoiling him just so he feels extra love.  I hate doing laundry, but I love doing his laundry just because I know he appreciates it.  I love being his wife!  I am going to miss taking care of him in those ways.  So I asked him how I can best help him, serve him, and love him.  He answered that I can listen to him when he needs to vent and I can have fun this summer so he can live vicariously though me. The first one I can do without any problems, but the second request is not that easy.  You would think that it would be, but it is honestly something I will need to put effort into.  It is hard to have good honest fun when I just want to share it all with him and when I know that he may not be enjoying what he is doing.  But I told him I would try my hardest.  And I promise that I will.  This blog will help keep me accountable.  I will also send him several packages, countless love letters, and love and encouragement any other way I can think of.  It is an honor to love my husband and I plan on doing everything I can to love him the best that I can from a physical distance, knowing that we are emotionally connected constantly.

I tossed and turned all night last night.  Just wanting to spend the night near my wonderful husband for the last time in a while.  I just wanted to feel him close to my side and cherish his scent.  To hold his hand or hold onto his arm. My stomach hurt all night with anxious nerves and dread at what was ahead.  Just the thought of letting him go made me hurt all over!  The first sliver of sun that came through the window woke me and the dread was compounded by a hundred.  I snuggled in next to my husband and tried to prepare myself for what the day would hold.  Then before I knew it we had arrived at the terminal where we would have to say goodbye.  I walk him to the door and I honestly can not fully describe exactly the depth of emotion I felt.  Holding him, kissing him, feeling his embrace.  I felt so weak.  I couldn’t say “I love you” enough.  I didn’t know what else to say as I fell apart.  We walked away from each other at the same time, me sobbing, and Jonathan strong and confident as he headed on his way.  And that is why I adore him!  His strength is so admirable and he knows just what to say to help me face the journey ahead.

I left the airport bawling as my mother-in-law drove back home.  I walked into the house and instantly felt like a lost puppy.  I tried my hardest to be productive at school, but it was so hard to focus!  I cleaned up the mess of Jonathan’s clothes all over the room, and kept a few items aside to snuggle with.  I listened to Jonathan’s recordings a number of times, read encouraging words from friends and family, and spent part of the afternoon just chatting with my mother-in-law.  She took the day off, and I was thankful!  Sometime it just helps to talk about it and cry and she let me do that.  It was what I needed.  Jonathan and I texted back and forth several times and chatted a couple times too.  He had to wait at the airport all day long as his plane was delayed.   Just a few hours ago he called me for the last time on American soil, and we said goodbye again.  It wasn’t much easier than the first time.  But he said the right things and comforted me so gently.    It will be ok, he says.  I know it will be.  And we will talk as soon as he is able to call.  So now begins the wait.  It could be 24 to 48 hours.  I’m leaning on God to give me peace in the midst of the waiting.  And now I try to fall asleep without him by my side.  I know it won’t be easy, but I hope I am tired enough to get at least a wink of sleep.